Bunn’s Prairie

I’d like to say hi to everybody! I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m looking forward to Valentine’s Day on Saturday. I’ll be sharing it with Andy if he’ll let me. It’s also my birthday.

I want to thank everyone for sticking with me. Thank you to everyone in our family. I’d like to give a special thanks to Mandolin Paul. He’s been coming to play music for me often even though he met after my accident and hasn’t had the chance to get to know the healthy Kaley that everyone else has.

Meds and bed.

Just a quick check in with all. I must drag my weariness into bed. Tomorrow will be more fun and games than I can even anticipate. (*VERY wry grin*)

Tonight, I grieved. I let the tears come, I let the distance settle, I let the anger and the “This isn’t fair! Haven’t I been through enough?” course through my veins. I held it in for so long, knowing I had many more practical uses of my time tugging at my rationale, but I also knew it would come. Andy held me and listened. He offered me the openness to grieve and the solace of his arms to give me strength. Quite frankly, this isn’t fair. Nothing about this is an outcome that I had ever anticipated. And I’m going to say something really selfish. What’s in this for me? I don’t even get any benefit from this surgery? I mean other than more lessons in amazing pain tolerance, healing, believing that I am still on this planet for a reason…what haven’t I learned? It’s been seven years of nothing but medical traumas — day in and day out. When am I done? I just don’t understand why I needed something new and unrelated introduced to what is such a tenuous balance.

Why do I have to deal with cervical cancer at all?

And once again, now that I am done with my searing tears of anger, there is simply not an answer. I do not see the lesson that I am supposed to be learning. I do not see that anything more can be pulled from the medical rubble of my body that will clarify, or explain humanlty for myself or anyone else. Once again, I am blind.

At least now, that the anger, grieving, loss, and frustration are laid out before me, I can set them in the present. I do not have to fear my grief. I feel, that though I may not see the reason, growth and rebirth have the chance to blossom from this, too.

When one door closes, another opens. Someone with much more wisdom than I must have penned that.

Please pray with us tomorrow in whatever way you find suitable. Your thoughts, words, and love are what keep my spirit alive!

Whew! In case you were waiting with baited breath, the shower was a success! In fact, I ALMOST look like a real girl again! Hope I don’t scare Andy when he walks in the door!! LOL

Not for good behavior, mind you, they just couldn’t handle the stink anymore. Ahhh…it only went from bad (before I went in) to worse. Much worse. Andy was kind enough to bring in my shower stuff, but I was too weak to do the “dirty deed”.

I was discharged before lunchtime, have been trying to figure out what might really go on during Wednesday’s surgery. (I am hoping that someone involved does indeed have this jotted down on a scrap of paper somewhere!) And now, I have finally consumed a gour-MET meal!! Woo-woo! Ramen Noodles, Juicey juice, and a few sips of Diet Coke. It’s almost enough to make me feel like my usual surly self again!

I appreciate Andy leaving an update, and apologize for all the confusion my weekend barf binge caused with the BBQ. Granted, the weather didn’t look too swell for BBQing or swimming. Well, we’ll just have to try again!!! It’s never too late to BBQ!!

I’ll leave a little more info about the upcoming week (or so) “in House”, as I get it. Please check back for updates, and I’m hoping Andy will let y’all know when I’m ready for visitors. I’d love some company, if you can spare a little time!!

I’ll be at UMMC (Or the U of M hospital) Unit 6B Solid Organ Transplant from Wed. August 22, onwards. They’ve told me to count on at least a week. OH-OH — those smiley little e-cards you have sent before are WONDERFUL!! They are so full of healing cheer! Thank you again for all your love!

Off to see if that bar of “Irish Spring” puts a little extra “spring” in my step!

After the recent events of our past few blogs, I can only imagine how many people are searching for normal. It made me evaluate my own life, and the ups and downs of the struggles I face with my medical issues. Of course, I can’t stop wondering about or wishing what “a normal” life would be like…enviously looking around at our friends and those in our peer group and what we are not able to include in our lives.

But then, (I don’t even require the icy cold bucket of water over my head), I realize that there is no normal. It’s one of life’s great fallacies. What some people can have as part of their lives, are not meant to be a part of some others. What some have to fight for, others have never even fathomed. My core feelings of sadness that I’m 31 years old, and have known before Andy and I even got married that we could not have own own children, has at times made me feel envious. And then I view a tragedy unfold blocks from my home, and feel my husband hold me tight in his arms. Our family is still intact today. We are blessed and lucky.

I am struggling right now, wishing my blood work would even out. First, one organ seems to be “upset”, and then the other. It’s tough to make sense of , as every one I talk to has a slightly different opinion on what’s going on. Most frustrating, is that many of my regular care team is simply on vacation. The usual complaint, that they can take a vacation from their jobs, but the patient sure doesn’t get to take a vacation from the chronic illness. It just makes me surly.

I haven’t been feeling well the past couple of days — fairly queasy on the back roads — and finally following the nausea freeway to the place where people start throwing up green icky stomach acid. Last night and today were the worst. Andy had free tickets to the Vikings pre-seaon game, and as I’d never been, I REALLY wanted to give it a try. Well, it was a bit of a struggle getting there, and we stayed through Half-time. It was good enough for me, and as Andy’s told me before, “You see more on TV”. After being way up top at the Dome, I’d definitely agree! It was fun to go, but I figured it was good to go before I was sorry.

Thursday night, was quite rotten, an Azithromycin night where I was nauseas before the Anti-Bs — horrid during –and left with nasty diarrhea and erping for the rest of the night. Once again, Andy was my hero, and took care of me.

Maybe the sun will shine my way tomorrow! After all, I have a Cervical BBQ to start planning! Whatcha think…Steak sauce? Ketchup?? I can’t help but joke!